Honestly, I need to be broken.

Brokenness. Typically when you hear the word, you think of a negative emotion. Broken-hearted, broken family, broken relationships. But spiritually, brokenness is a good thing. If you grew up in church, as I have, you have probably heard the song "Holiness, holiness, is what I long for. Holiness is what I need. Holiness, holiness, is what You want from me." That first verse is very typical of praise songs. But the last verse, I think, is the most important (and atypical). "Brokenness, brokenness, is what I long for. Brokenness is what I need. Brokenness, brokenness, is what You want from me." I never really understood that verse until recently.

About a month ago at camp, Carl Cartee led us in worship with a song called "Honestly." The chorus is this: "Honestly, I need to be broken. Honestly I need to fall down. So go ahead and shake my foundation, cause honestly I'm figuring out that of all that I have, all that I need is You, honestly." Brokenness is crucial to our spiritual walks because without it, we probably wouldn't trust in God. If we weren't broken, we would fail to see our need for the grace, love, and mercy that can only be found in Christ.

Last night, at church, we sang "Honestly" and I was overcome with emotion. God has been working overtime on my heart, but I am still learning to "let go, and let God." I am still learning that God really is all I could ever need and more. I know that when I finally realize and understand that, and fully surrender everything over to Him, I will have more joy and peace than I can take! But for now, I pray that God would continue to break me, because honestly, brokenness is nearly the only thing that keeps my faith in Christ alone.

How Camp Changed My Life

Actually, camp didn't change my life; God did. I don't have time to brainstorm and write out all my thoughts in an organized manner, but God is God regardless of my eloquence (or lack thereof).

This week I went to Crossroads Camp in Boiling Springs, NC. God completely blew my mind, and this camp exceeded all my expectations of what camp should be. Last summer, I worked at Camp Longridge, and I was a camper at Longridge for the eight years before that. So Camp Longridge was basically all I knew. I was reluctant to go to Crossroads because I was convinced that it doesn't get any better than Longridge. I am not saying that Crossroads is better than Longridge, just different, but my point, either way, is that God did some amazing things this week.

Someone very wise once told me "God reveals the most to those who expect the least." Truer words were never spoken! I didn't know what to expect this week, but I did not expect God to move like He did. I have been saved since I was 14, but lately I have been in a spiritual slump. In the first worship session, Clayton King spoke about starting over and being born again. I don't remember much else from that particular sermon, but the phrase "start over" really stuck out to me. I knew I had already been born again, but I did want to start over. I talked to Denise that night (It's always a great thing to room with the youth pastor's wife!) about how I really felt God speaking to me telling me that I needed to start over. I'm not going to lay out all the details here (this blog would quickly turn into a novel!), but that night, I rededicated my life. I know that wasn't even a week ago, but this week so far has been the best week of my life. Other than the simple fact that being at camp gives me a brief escape from reality, I have been more joyful than ever! I now know and fully believe that God is bigger than ALL of my struggles, as I have posted about before but apparently forgotten since then.

I will ask for prayer, though. I want to mean it this time around. I don't want the fire to die. I refuse to let this be another "camp high." Absolutely not. This fire will burn for all eternity!

One really cool thing that I was able to witness this week was a river baptism. One of the guys in my youth group, Darien, accepted Christ this week. On Thursday, we went down to the Broad River and baptized him. It was totally different from any baptism I have ever witnessed before. Particularly, I loved the fact that no one person baptized him - anyone was free to lay hands on him as he was immersed. It was a great symbol that life in Christ is very difficult without other believers with whom to fellowship and who can help you grow spiritually.

I would also like to thank the amazing youth leaders of Fleming Baptist Church, especially Tracy, Denise, Lynn, Mrs. Angie, and Mrs. Gena. Every time y'all speak, God's love definitely shows. With leaders like y'all it is hard not to believe that God is not only a powerful God but also a loving, compassionate God. Thanks so much for everything y'all do. Y'all have helped me so much in the past year and a half that I have been at Fleming.

Oh, and don't forget..."Don't put Christ on a list and make Him #1...make Him the center!"

Class of 2011 Inspiration

Distraction and procrastination are two things that far too often detract from our educational experiences. As a matter of fact, as I am trying to think of ways to eloquently inspire the class of 2011, there are about a thousand other things calling my name. However, distraction and procrastination can sometimes lead to enlightenment. One night, a very good friend of mine was writing a paper when the phone rang. She went to answer it, and pretty soon she was caught up in the conversation, completely forgetting about the paper that she should have been writing. Eventually, she finished writing the paper, and when she did, it was better than ever! I am not sure whether her experiences during the distraction inspired her, or if she just needed a little time to refresh her brain, but either way, the moral of my little story is this: living is not about writing; writing is about living. As much as teachers and professors may hate to hear me say this, we can’t let schoolwork distract us from life. Yes, school is important, but we can’t pass up on experiences that may have life-changing effects just because we want that A+ paper or that spot on the Dean’s list. Little things like that probably won’t matter in the long run anyway, so let your life experiences and dreams be the driving forces that decide the path that your life, even beyond college, will take.

Regardless

I started this blog way back who-knows-when as a diary of my longing. I intended to fill it with yearning and praise for the Spirit. I guess I started off pretty well, but somewhere in the midst of all the poetry and essays, I got caught up in myself. It wasn't about God anymore. Actually, I take that back, it definitely was ABOUT God. I did a pretty good job of writing eloquent poems and essays ABOUT God, but that wasn't the point of my blog. No, the point was to write WITH God. I wanted to keep a daily (or, more generally, periodic) journal of my walk with Christ.

I have always wanted to be a writer. Maybe I was not destined to become the next William Shakespeare or Walt Whitman, but I wanted to write. I wanted my material, for lack of better words, to sound good. Lately, I have seemed to have lost the muse, so to speak. I have not had the desire to write, and when the urge has come along, my writings just haven't been good.

I am writing this long overdue entry as part of my Easter weekend awakening. I went to the Passion City Church Good Friday service on Friday night expecting it to be just another big worship service. I've heard about Passion, and I've never been much of a skeptic (trust me, Louie Giglio undoubtedly speaks words from God and Chris Tomlin does more than just sing songs), but I played the role of the skeptic this weekend. While I did expect to whole-heartedly worship and hear a pretty good message, I didn't really expect God to show up. At least, not like He did. I don't think there's any other way to describe it besides out of this world.

I probably couldn't even begin to describe how much God revealed to me this weekend, but my awakening was this: God is God. He's God regardless of what I make of Him. He is God regardless of my eloquence (or lack thereof). He's God from everlasting to everlasting, from beginning to end. He has always been God, and always will be. Regardless.