Life-Writer part 2

Living is not about writing; writing is about living.

I have decided to call myself a life-writer - self-explanatorily, one who writes about life. The best poets are those who base their works on real-life experiences. My goal is to become a great writer, if at all possible. How do I plan to achieve that?

1. Live day by day. I simply can't afford to miss out on anything that happens around me. If I rush life by, then I might be passing up an opportunity to write something amazing.

2. Observe. Observe those around me, paying careful attention to details such as language, emotion, and character.

3. Read. In order to become a great writer, I have to read what I want to write. Presently, I find myself gaining inspiration from writers such as Shakespeare, Emily Dickinson, and Poe.

I hope that this post can serve as a reminder to me of what I want to become. I also hope that I may be able to help a fellow aspiring writer. Maybe that has already happened? I guess I will never know.

Life-Writer

Living is not about writing;

writing is about living.

For if I do not live life

as it comes, and take what life

throws at me, then what can I write about?

Unless I live my life

the best I know how, experiencing

day by day the toils and snares,

the joys and the flairs

that life entails, then I cannot call myself a writer.

Something to think about

I am full of earth
You are heaven’s worth
I am stained with dirt, prone to depravity
You are everything that is bright and clean
The antonym of me
You are divinity
But a certain sign of grace is this
From a broken earth flowers come up
Pushing through the dirt

God is everything that I am not. I don't quite understand how he could love someone as screwed up as me. I mean, I'm just Allison. Of sinners, I am the worst. I've done some pretty rotten things in my life. But God loves me just as I am. And He wants a relationship with me. I desperately yearn to love Him like He loves me.

Psalm 42

¹ As the deer longs for streams of water,

so I long for you, O God.
² I thirst for God, the living God.
When can I go and stand before him?

Out of this scripture sprang the inspiration for my blog title. "As the deer longs..." Yes, just as the deer LONGS after streams of water, so I LONG for God, the Living Water. I have a deep, desperate NEED for God just as the deer NEEDS water. I THIRST for God - the LIVING God - and I cannot live without Him. I cannot live without His love, and I cannot love without Him in my life.

Could Have Been the One

One day a girl came up to me
She was in need of a friend
I just walked right by her
Never really looked at her
Or said anything

I saw the next day in the paper
Her picture next to her name
One day, she was here
Then the next day
She was gone

What if I was all she needed?
Someone to keep her from letting go
She needed a friend
I could have been the one
Who would help her keep the faith
And keep holding on

I saw a man on the streets
Ratty old clothes and no place to go
I just walked right by him
Never really looked at him
Or said anything

I saw the next day in the paper
His picture next to his name
One day, he was here
Then the next day
He was gone

What if I was all he needed?
Someone to keep him from letting go
He needed some hope
I could have been the one
Who would help him keep the faith
And keep holding on

Dear Taylor

Dear Taylor,

I promise, everything will be alright.

You’ve got God on your side,

and if you let Him, he’ll fight

for you. I have faith

that you can show this cancer

who’s boss. I know that you are strong.

God will help you through,

if you just keep holding on

to His mighty hand.

We were never that close,

but, now more than ever,

I feel like we are sisters –

best friends forever –

we can get through this together.

I have said all this to tell you

that I care for you.

I haven’t yet reacted to the news,

but it’s coming, and I assure you,

I will cry and cry and cry,

but don’t worry about me –

I’ll be fine. I just never expected this to

happen. It’s something you can never

be prepared for. But, Taylor, I love you,

and I’m here for you 100% of the way.

- Allison Gossage (2010)

Whoa, this is actually happening.

For those of you that don't know, a friend of mine, Taylor Bedichek, was recently diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma. If you are not a medical geek like me, you are probably wondering what that is. Hodgkin's lymphoma is a type of cancer affecting white blood cells called lymphocytes and the lymph nodes. Yes, you read right. CANCER.

When I first heard that Taylor had cancer, it didn't hit me right away. I was just like "okay. so my friend has cancer. No big deal." And then, once I actually thought about it, it turned into "WHOA. My friend has cancer." This is actually happening. It seems so surreal, yet it is real nonetheless.

This is one of those things that you never expect to happen to you or anyone you know. Especially someone like Taylor, who was - and still is, though not as much now - so full of life. But things like this happen. Nobody is for sure what causes cancer, especially in children and adolescents. Taylor is only 16 years old. A 16 year old with cancer? I've heard stuff like this in the news, and in movies, but I never expected it to happen in real life. But it does.

So, what was the point of this post, you may ask? Nothing, other than to simply get my feelings out. So many thoughts have been cluttering my brain since I heard that Taylor was sick. I just felt the need to vent, so to speak. Oh, and please keep praying for Taylor! She's a strong girl, and I have faith that God will get her through this!

"Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened." - a quote often credited to Dr. Seuss

I think this is probably one of the more difficult quotes for me to grasp. I do understand what it means, but, no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to make myself do what the quote says.

Basically, good memories depress me because they are merely memories. Bad memories, on the other hand, do not usually make me feel this way for the same reason: they are only memories. For me, the quote should read "Don't cry because it happened; smile because it's over." Very rarely will I cry over something that happened in the past.

"Don't live in the past," people tell me.

"I don't," I reply.

"I have no regrets;

I don't dwell on the mistakes

of myself or others.

So what seems to be the problem?"

"You are most certainly right;

You don't dwell on the negative,

But you dwell on the positive,

Which can be just as bad.

Let me explain," they say,

"For the good memories

have all but faded away,

but you find yourself crying

in the midst of all the photos and letters.

Don't cry because it's over;

smile because it happened."

- Allison Gossage (2010)

Pessimistic

My sins scribbled on my forehead

For the world to see;

Who could love me?

Every mistake I've made

Comes back to haunt me;

Who will accept me?

The poison of rejection has made me ill;

My past, a knife that has stabbed my heart.

I'm searching for acceptance

In a world that is against me;

How long until my search is over?

I'm worn out and tired

Of making futile attempts at finding a friend.

All I've ever hoped for,

Now thrown away.

The ugliness of rejection is all that shows.

Rejected, and this pencil and paper are all I have --

My only friends in a dark world of hurt and pain.

Uninvited,

And I can't take anymore.

The lonely tears I cry are ignored

By teasing laughter.

My life will be a secret,

Lived for only me to see.

This gloomy raincloud of regret hovers over me,

And all I can do

Is write.

-Allison Gossage (2007)

Senior Year

This year seems to be

Just like any other.

I walk the same hallways

That I always walk;

I tote my books in the same bag

That I always carry;

I talk to the same people

That I always see.

From one year to the next,

Nothing changes significantly. So what is different

About this particular year, you may ask.

Sometimes I am not so sure myself.

Then I look down that hallway --

The same one that I have walked

For the past four years --

And hear my companions --

The same ones that I have spoken to

For the past four years --

Calling out to me: "This is senior year, yo;

Let's make the most of it."

-Allison Gossage (2010)

Ode to NaNoWriMo (a cheesy parody of Shakespeare)

To write, or not to write, that is the question:

Whether tis nobler to scribble

Fifty-thousand words that mean nothing,

Or to fill a single page with meaning. To write, to live --

And by living, gain inspiration

That may fill the pages with life;

'Tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish'd. To write, to live --

To live, perchance to inspire -- ay, there's the rub,

For in that living of life what inspiration may come,

When we listen to our hearts,

And the meaning within; there's the respect

That motivates us to completion:

For who would possess the patience required,

Bear th' oppressor's pen, the proud man's completed work,

The delays of writer's block, procrastination's spell,

The fear of distraction, and the pressures

That his teachers impose upon him,

For he himself to complete his novel

In just thirty days; who would many burdens bear,

To inspire and be inspired by life,

But the dread of incompletion,

The permanent distraction, from which

No writer returns, perplexes the mind,

And makes us wish we had persevered,

Rather than live with the product of our procrastination?

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,

As it hands out regrets

To those who succumbed to procrastination's gentle call,

But only those who ignore the call of procrastination,

Keeping instead their eyes on the prize,

Find success in completion.

Megaphone

I'm in this place

What should I do?

My troubles are a megaphone

Against or for You

Everyone's watching

Waiting to see

If I will crash and burn

But I won't

For my God is with me

And You're bigger

You're stronger

You'll help me make it through.

No matter what happens,

My life will speak for You.

This message that I bring,

Let it only say one thing:

My God is near,

So let Him speak to you.

-Allison Gossage (2009)

You Don't Know

You don't know

How it feels

To be the one always hated

To be the "last resort"

You don't know

What it's like

To always be chosen last

Or

For people to talk to you

Only because no one else is available

Maybe if you knew

Then you wouldn't

Hate me

Or treat me as a "last resort"

Maybe if you knew

Then you wouldn't

Choose me last

You would talk to me because you wanted to --

Not because no one else was available

You don't know

But would it be any different if you did?

-Allison Gossage (2008)

This Dream

Every night,

I dream of a place

Where nothing goes wrong

It's a place where I'm anything I want to be

Everyone loves

And nobody hurts

Nobody cries

And there's no broken hearts

But then I realize

That a dream

Is not reality

It's just a fantasy that could never come true

This dream is a wish --

A wish

That will never come true

-Allison Gossage (2007)

Work in Progress

I'm through pretending

That everything is alright

It would be a lie to say that I'm okay

To put on a mask

Just to please the crowds

Is not what You want me to do

My life is not perfect

Nor does it need to be

No, I am a work in progress

And I don't care what you say about me

-Allison Gossage (2008)

Rebel Angel

If I grew wings

And flew away

Would anybody notice that I'm gone?

If I flew

To a better place

Would it really be any different?

I want to soar

Fly

To chase my dreams

The world is trying to hold me back

But they don't want me here

They just can't stand to see me happy --

Hypocrites, all of them!

So here is what I will do:

I will rebel from their every wish

And be a rebel angel

-Allison Gossage (2008)

Nonchalant

Hiding her face from the crowd

Of hypocritical,

Judgemental eyes

She has nowhere to go

So she writes

She writes

To relieve the pain

Of the scars from their careless words

The scars haunt the page

Individually, they appear

She writes about each scar

One by one

Reliving her past each time

Few people have read her work and are

Concerned for her

Most are nonchalant

Her end is near

And they don't even care

-Allison Gossage (2008)

Camp is where the heart is...

This summer has been the greatest summer of my life so far. This summer, I worked alongside some of the greatest people God has put on this earth and formed friendships with them that I hope will last a lifetime, or even longer. I formed friendships with campers; I wanted each of them to know that they are loved by God and myself. The camp staff became my family, camp itself became my home, and while my faith is still nowhere near that of a prophet or a saint, I believe that I grew significantly in my faith. Below is a list of the members of my camp family, random facts about each of them, and some things that they have taught me.

Hillary a.k.a. H - H is probably one of the most hardworking people you will ever meet. She was one of my bosses, but she was so much more than that. She didn't just tell me what to do and walk off, no. She would tell me what I needed to do and then help me with it. She worked alongside me and the other support staff. She taught me that it is impossible to die at camp. Believe me, she would know. She is a great friend. Whether she knows it or not, Hillary helped me to overcome some of my greatest struggles. Her listening was enough to really help me.

Kayla - Kayla can play any sport and cut grass! Kayla is really awesome. We rode to camp together a few times, and I feel like I got to know her pretty well. She taught me that it's okay to speak my mind. If someone is treating me in a way that makes me feel useless, I need to speak up and not be walked all over.

Addie - Addie is the best kitchen ninja Camp Longridge ever had! I am going to miss her so much when she leaves, but I know God is going to use her in magnificent ways in Guatemala. Addie taught me that not everything was meant to be taken personally; some things - actually most things that happen at camp - are results of frustration and sleep deprivation.

Kaitlyn - If you ever have anybody giving you trouble, Kaitlyn will personally take that punk down!

James - James may seem quiet at first, but be not fooled. He is CRAZY! I loved ATB excursions with James. If I was ever in a bad mood, James would always manage to do something random and crack me up.

Jen - This girl is accident prone. Seriously, she needs a bubble wrap suit. But Jen was a great friend. We shared a few rides to and from camp, and I found out that we have a lot in common, the main thing being our craziness.

Kinsee - Kinsee is one of the sweetest people you will ever meet, but she is a redhead, so don't get her angry. Haha, I love Kinsee. She is a GREAT friend who would always listen when I needed to talk. You could tell that Kinsee truly cares. I am going to miss her so much, and I hope she is having an awesome time in Tennessee! I hope we can keep in touch!

Jimmy - Jimmy probably does more awkward things than anyone.

Nate - Nate is one of the most caring guys you will ever meet. His gentle, caring voice is enough to probably convince you to do anything, even to do the ropes course without a harness.

Tony - Tony is...Tony. There is no other way to describe him. Not that that is a bad thing. I think Tony was misunderstood a lot, but deep down he is a really good guy and I loved working with him.

Bri - Bri likes to tell corny jokes. She is also very caring. Bri is awesome.

Justin - Justin was a GREAT orange team leader, and a great praise band leader.

Nicole - Everybody loves Nicole. I mean EVERYBODY.

Betsy - Betsy is one of the most beautiful girls I have ever met - inside and out. When I shared my testimony, she was right there to offer scripture that would help me. If I needed to talk, she was there. Betsy is very understanding, and she knows that you don't always have to offer the best advice. Betsy offers open ears, open arms, and a caring heart.

Amy - Amy was one of the first new staffers I talked to. From the moment I first spoke to her, I knew Amy was going to be a good friend. She is the epitome of a great friend - she listens, she cares, she relates, she offers advice, and she is random.

Jason - Jason was an awesome green team leader, and just an all around great camp counselor.

Evan - Evan can make it happen. He is always willing to work and get the job done.

Alyssa - Alyssa was my roommate for the summer. We spent a lot of time together, and she was always there for me if I needed to talk, literally.

Will - Will's hair smells really nice. ;-) Will is crazy. So crazy, that my first impression of him was that he wouldn't be a very easy person to talk to. Boy, was I wrong! Will is actually a great listener, and he is very caring.

Chas - Chas is a grown up Justin Beiber. Not really, but he is awesome.